Transform my Heart

Continuing the Spiritual Journey

By: E. Jane Rutter

Lent. For forty days, we walk through the desert with Jesus, our brother. We observe the rituals that honor him, living history from the Old Testament to the New. We suffer in the desert with our Lord, as Satan tempts him with promises of comfort, power and control if he but deny God and worship him.

This Lent I find myself suffering a dry spell. Little brings me joy; rather, I take the good for granted and feel lost and without direction. Of course I know the path is to follow Jesus, to pray, to be still and to listen. But, my God, I can’t focus, feel highs and lows or work my way out of this. Nothing excites me or stirs my soul.

Where do I belong? Who am I when there are no expectations set for me? I am bored and lazy and the sin of sloth is the one I need to confess. I am like the fig tree bearing no fruit (Luke 13:7).

In a time of transition, I’m lost in the desert searching for my way home. Yet underlying my frustration, tears and insecurity, I am blessed. For I am certain God is with me in my weakness. Whether or not I feel His presence, God is with me. God is with us, sinners – all who believe.
I look to Mother Teresa (Saint Teresa of Calcutta). What courage it took her to stay faithful, admitting for years she was in the desert unable to feel God’s presence. Though she felt alone, Mother Teresa devoted herself to serving the poor. A saint of immense faith, she stayed true to the Father. Rejecting Satan’s false promises, she followed Jesus on his journey to the cross, the journey to God. Mother Teresa followed Jesus on his path of self-denial, weakness and obedience that led to resurrection.

In this time of transition, I smile at the folly of my feelings. From up to down, sad to happy, impatient to gracious, none reflect God’s gift of love which he calls me to freely share. To cultivate the ground and bear fruit, I need only look beyond myself and serve others.

And so I pray: Transform my heart, dear Lord. Take my hand and guide me from this self-pitying dry spell that is Satan’s glee to serve Your glorious purpose evermore. Keep my mind, lips and heart tuned to you. Keep me faithful so I may share in your Easter joy.