There are but a few different ways to get the leaves off of your lawn:

Bruce Wallace

Pay someone to remove your leaves. This method is utilized by the elderly, the lazy or those who don’t appreciate the intrinsic value of taking care of a challenge left by Monther Nature.

Get your John Deere tractor out and vacuum your lawn. This method is used by the – well, see above.

Break your rake or leaf blower out of the garage and get to work.

I subscribe to method number three, although I suppose by hauling my Troy-Bilt 4-cycle Backpack Blower with JumpStart Technology out of the garage, I’m being a bit on the lazy side. Raking is definitely old school hard work.

Besides, how else can you smack Mother Nature upside the head than to get my Troy-Bilt after those leaves?

Let me tell you, so many people have been asking me what I’m going to do when I retire from the newspaper world, I think I may start a Troy-Bilt Blowing Service. You call me, I come to your house with my Troy-Bilt and use its 31cc 4-cycle full crank engine with high torque to blow leaves, grass, small trees – anything you need, I’ll blow it into the next block.

Neighbor’s cat annoying you?

One call and it will stay off your lawn and out of your flower bed forever.

Neighbor’s kiddos annoying your poodle, Bitsy?

Say the word. Those neighborhood bullies will scatter when they hear the roar of my Troy-Bilt.

Did I tell you about the roar of the engine?

It is loud. I SAID: IT IS LOUD!!

Imagine a lear jet taking off from your front yard.

The brilliant thing about the deafening roar of the engine is that when Old Ed from down the street, who loves to remind me his professionally maintained lawn (Ed never breaks a sweat, doesn’t pickup or cut a blade of grass) looks better than my dump, I can’t hear Ed when he tries to tell me how to blow the leaves around my yard.

When I see Old Ed ambling up the sidewalk, “BNNNGGAAAUUGGGHH” roars the engine.

Know what it takes to blow my maple tree leaves across the street into the Wentz’s yard? My Troy-Bilt 150 mph gust of wind that will blow down a fence, if necessary. But my wife just wanted the leaves out of the yard.

My two maple trees provide shade and a beautiful look 50 weeks out of the year.

But one week in the fall the tree looks like it is a on fire with burning orange and red leaves providing a a beautiful fall view. The next week they are on the ground. And the week after that, my wife wants me outside bagging them.

That gives me the chance to do my show for the neighborhood. By varying the speeds on my Troy-Bilt, I can make those leaves literally dance. If anyone but Old Ed would bother to watch, it’s quite a show.

“Hey, I don’t need a circus act,” my wife calls from the door, “just get them in the bag and let’s get ready to go to our Christmas party!”

That’s easier said than done.

While I can blow the leaves around the block, getting them into one of the dozens of bags is a different – and more time-consuming – matter altogether.

But picking up the leaves left by my lovely maples is as much about the process as it is a pain. And it’s an opportunity to show off my amazing talent with a leaf blower.