By: Ernie Wren
It is time for my annual “New Year Predictions” for Southern Boone. Take them with the seriousness, and humor, with which they are intended!

  1. Ashland city officials, not content with having higher taxes than Columbia, will seek to have the highest tax rates in Missouri. According to one anonymous city official not seeking re-election, “Ashland can be number one if we try harder. I think 20% is a nice round number to set our sights on.”
  2. Fresh off recent tax hikes, the city’s public works department plans to set aside enough money to paint the lanes at the corner of Broadway and Main St., which were repaved this past fall. The estimated painting date is set to be “some time in 2025, or thereabouts”.
  3. The Boone County Commissioners will jump on the tax bandwagon and not satisfied with just taxing personal property animals like emus, llamas, and ostriches, will also add on camels, elephants, snakes, and gerbils to the tax rolls.
  4. The Village of Hartsburg, having watched Ashland annex land all the way to the airport exit, will annex all the land along Rt. A up to Highway 63 to prevent encroachment from Ashland. This will ignite a border war.
  5. MoDOT will announce plans for a new “Figure 8 Roundabout” to be located at Broadway and Main Street, which will serve to provide countless hours of entertainment for local teenage drivers.
  6. Ashland city officials, upon being informed that the United Federation of Planets has a Starfleet Sagan-class starship called the USS Ashland (NCC-82835) will seek to partner with the Star Trek franchise. Arguments ensue at city hall as to who must wear the “Red Shirt.”
  7. Southern Boone School District officials will meet to discuss the increased costs of free lunches for substitute teachers, having noticed a huge spike on “Rectangle Pizza Fridays.”
  8. Local police are befuddled at reports of talking animals, alien visits, flying pigs, and supernatural activities. The problem is solved when a ventilation leak at the cannabis infusion factory is sealed.
  9. The Southern Boone Area YMCA, in coordination with its fitness programs and the “Lose to Win” contest, offers free shovels to members to participate in a new class: Dig a Pool Cardio.
  10. After repeated chants of “We need a Sonic” from residents, Ashland will go another year without one.

These predictions may, or will likely not, come true, but we can rest assured of one prediction: Southern Boone County remain a great place to live and raise our families.

Here’s to wishing everyone a wonderful 2025 from myself, and my partner in crime, Danna. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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