I came to the realization this past week that I could write a column in which a chief of police, an emergency room nurse and a primary school teacher could make my case for what I have long theorized. And that theory is still blown to bits by those who proclaim themselves “traditional scientists.”
A cop, an emergency room nurse and a PE teacher? Backing up one of my knucklehead theories?
It would take a century – or, nearly the length of time since the Chicago Cubs have won a World Series – to list all of my theories, musings and conjectures not agreed upon by three such experts, such as:
• No matter which pre-teen daughter sits next to her father on an overseas flight, the dad will get the glass of apple juice dumped in his lap.
• Major League Baseball’s designated hitter rule hastened the downfall of traditional America as we knew it in 1967.
• Salt water taffy bought at a Howard Johnson’s rest stop during a family vacation between 1965-1975 is actually good for you.
No, I can’t get law enforcement, emergency medical personnel or multi-degree educators to agree with me on those and other goofy ideas I can’t prove, but know are true, but I can get them to agree on this:
• The week of a full moon brings out the lunacy in people of all ages, as well as computers and other technology.
Yep, that’s right. Multiple police officer friends, nurses and more than one teacher agree with me on this – yet traditional science is far, far behind.
Face it, it’s an absolute fact. When the moon is full, co-workers are even more deranged than usual, police officers deal with more cranks who should be explained away by what they are smoking – only they’re not and teachers deal with 7-year-olds who suddenly seem as though they stepped from the pages of a Stephen King novel.
There’s plenty of demons and gore to go around.
I had a full moon week last week as everything around me began to fall apart.
Time for an old car battery to finally die? Always on a full moon.
I was also informed, on our print day – Tuesday – that the press at Jefferson City was having problems. “You might be an hour late tonight,” they told me. Yep, full moon.
Then, real disaster struck. The Journal is lucky enough to have two outstanding young ladies insert and label your papers each week, then sort them for the mail. Without Kayla and Megan, there is no reason for me to write stories or advertisers to buy ads.
Megan, who had been sick for a week was finally forced to stay home in an effort to keep her alive and healthy. Being down one key person is not good, but survivable.
The phone rang: “Bruce, this is Kayla – I think I broke my foot at cheerleading practice.”
“Kayla,” I replaced, “it’s Tuesday afternoon at 4 p.m. – quit kidding around.”
She wasn’t kidding. It was a full moon double whammy.
Lucky for me, Kayla brought a friend, gritted her teeth and we got the paper to the post office.
A UCLA professor of earth, planetary and space sciences published a paper last year in Nursing Research magazine showing there was “no correlation” between moon phases and hospital admission rates or birth rates. However, the professor also confessed that he had never spent a full moon night in a hospital emergency room.
Other foolish dullards at various universities have studied the relevance of moon phase and arrived at similar conclusions: Meh!
Economists have studied arrest records and fully confirmed there are no more quantity or quality of foolishness in police arrests during a full moon phase.
But my buddy Chuck, the Colorado cop, will tell you it’s the only time you arrest four naked men carrying a picnic table and wild animal trapping devices through a city park. Alcohol may have been involved, but, hey, it was a full moon.
Think those teachers won’t agree?
This is an easy test. Go online and get a list of SoBoCo Primary teachers. Look up their Facebook page the week of a full moon. Start with my friend Crystal Branch.
Yeah….right wasn’t I?
The next full moon is Nov. 14 – you can’t say I didn’t warn you.