Editor’s Note: The Editor is not fond of publishing poetry in the newspaper, but as he is still recovering from heat stroke after last week’s county fair adventure, the only replacement columnist available was poet Al Tennis’ son – who also attended the Boone County Fair, along with a multitude of reporters, and documents it here:
THE CHARGE OF THE OVERHEATED PRESS BRIGADE
Half a tank of gas, half a tank of gas onward, All into the valley of County Fair Death Rode to Sturgeon the reporters one hundred: ‘Forward, the Press Brigade! Charge for the livestock’ he said: Into the heated valley of Death Rode to Sturgeon the reporters one hundred.
Forward the Press Brigade! Was there a man by heat dismay’d? Not, tho’ the reporter knew Some one had blunder’d: Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to report & die, Into the valley of County Fair Death Rode to Sturgeon the reporters one hundred.
Swine to the right of them, Goats to the left of them, Bucket Calfs in front of them Bayed and oinked and bellowed, Storm’d at with heat and smell, Boldly they reported and well, Into the jaws of heat and Death, Into the mouth of Hell Rode to Sturgeon the reporters one hundred.
Flash’d all their cameras bare Flash’d as they turn’d in air Photographing the goats and swine there, Charging an army of livestock while All the world wonder’d: Plunged in the livestock bins Right thro’ the rabbits dens; Calves & Bunnies Reel’d from the camera flash 4H’rs with ribbon and sash. Then they rode back, but not… Not the reporters one hundred.
Swine to the right of them, Goats to the left of them Bucket Calfs in front of them Bayed and oinked and bellowed; Storm’d with heat and smell, While reporters – those heroes fell, They that had reported so well Came thro’ the heat and Death, Back from the mouth of Hell, All that was left of them, Left of the reporters one hundred.
When can their glory fade? O the wild reporting charge they made! All the world wonder’d. Honour the charge they made! Honour the Press Brigade, Noble, Fake News One Hundred!
With sincere apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson – The Charge of the Light Brigade, 1854